If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
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