Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
