You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
