Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
