I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
