I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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