i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
