i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
