Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's like iHOP with fire
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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