Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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