I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
