im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
