I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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