it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
