Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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