Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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