we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
