How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
