Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
