I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
