Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
