i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
