I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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