Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
