Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize