for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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