Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
