Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
