When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
