There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
