just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
