I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
