My sheets look like a crime scene.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
