Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
