i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
