**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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