Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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