Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
