So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
