I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
