i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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