Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
