I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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