Duck Duck Cougar?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
