happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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