i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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