I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
