I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
