I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
