The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
