I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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